The Ears
by No.311
Summary: What started with a random magical paper, quickly got out of hand... Join Harry in his quest to gain elf ears and beat Voldemort! TooPowerful!Harry! No Pairings! UnintentionalDumbleBashing! IntentionalFudgeBashing! Unicorns! Snape! Mobs! And more! PARODY, ONE-SHOT!


**_Hello, No.311 here! I've written my own take on a powerful!Harry story! It's ridiculous, strange, and an overall parody. Enjoy! _**

**_OOC-alert: Power gets to the head, even Harry's._**

* * *

_**It all started in the headquarters of Elf-United (or 11Un, or whatever), the leading party of the current Council, the secret Government of Magical Creatures. I still don't know how I had been able to see this particular scene, but stranger things happened to me, so I didn't particularly care.**_

The elves had been playing some card game when a messenger elf barged into the room.

"The king is dead! The King Is DEAD!"

The elves immediately stood up from their seats.

"What?"

"That's horrible!"

"We finally got enough power to…" The dark glares cast at this elf made him shrink down in fear and rendered him unable to finish the sentence.

"He had no heir! How are we going to name an heir?!"

The message elf took out a paper. "With this! The king gave it to me for this reason!"

"Is it a magic paper? An ancient relic for the use of defining the noblest of noble to become an heir?"

"No, it's a randomizer. It has even be used several times already, and it takes appoints a random elf…" The elf became aware of the glares. The other elves must have had a bad day.

"Okay, okay, it's a magic paper. Satisfied?"

"Very." One elf said jovially. "Now, we must appoint the heir." And without proper preparations and back-up plans, they smartly sat down around the table, unprepared for the consequences of their actions. And of course, nobody had thought of the bastard-son of the king, who would become a major pain later on, but hey, that's just convenient for me, the writer.

The paper began to glow a soft pink, and suddenly a name appeared.

_Harry James Potter_.

"Harry… Potter?"

"Isn't he the Boy Who Lived?"

"Isn't he human?"

The elves mumbled in astonishment.

"Well, actually, Harry's mother, Lily, her grandfather his mother her father was an elf, which makes him… 3,125 percent elf." The messenger said, not noticing the "you've got to be kidding me"-glances.

"Well…" One elf had recomposed himself. "The magic paper has spoken, so Harry James Potter is our new king."

"Hey, wait! Didn't the king have a bastard son? Why don't we appoint him?"

"No, the magic paper has spoken…"

"You mean the randomizer!" The messenger said.

"No, The MAGIC PAPER has spoken, and it's word is law! HARRY JAMES POTTER is our new king. And NOT the king's bastard-son." The leading elf gritted out.

_**It was at that point that I awakened at my soft, red bed, in Hogwarts. Puzzled by the dream, I pushed it to the back of my mind, categorizing it as another strange dream. But one thing kept bugging me. So when I couldn't bear it any longer, I went to Hermione, to see if she knew something I didn't.**_

"Hermoine?"

_**We were seated at the dining table, on a fateful evening near Halloween, in the course of my sixth year.**_

"Yes?"

_**Ron was spewing his food over his plate as always, and—**_

"Would you shut up? I'm trying to ask Hermione something right now!"

_**Ah, uh, sorry, I was just getting into this, really.**_

"Okay, okay, but please be quiet." Harry turned to Ron.

"And Ron, would you please stop that, it's disgusting."

"Swwy…" Ron gulped. "… but me being paid to be your friend doesn't cover this."

Harry sighed. Such a shame. He really had to talk to Dumbledore about this. He turned to Hermione.

"Hey, Hermione, what happens to the pointy ears when elves get kids with humans?"

"Well, sometimes, the kids get them, and sometimes they don't, really. It's all in the genes. You see, when kids are made, they get half of their genes from their father, and half from their mother, and…"

"Yes, yes. I see." Harry said, not really understanding a lot of it. He hadn't been taught Biology since primary school. But Hermione droned on.

"…and then chromosomes are formed and one half of the chromosomes go into…"

"Yes, really Hermoine, you can stop now."

"Oh, sorry." Hermione blushed, embarrassed.

"Did you read all this in a book?"

Hermione didn't answer to that.

Harry sighed. It would have been so cool to have pointy ears… Now he was wondering whether he had any other cool ancestors.

_**So I went to Diagon Alley, **__**the**__** place for everything magical. Well, at least in England. The point was, when I arrived there, I had no idea where to look.**_

"Couldn't you just tell me?" Harry asked, and a few passer-by's looked at him strangely, for he was talking to air.

_**I could… But it wouldn't be fair to me if you didn't have to go through this, so I won't. I'm you, after all, just at a later time.**_

"Just you wait! When I'm the storyteller, I will make the me do it too! Then you'll be sorry!"

_**You see why I'm doing this! I hope you're sorry! **_

…

_**I just realized that it's because of me that I had to go through this… Well, I was never the one for seeing the obvious.**_

"Hey!" Harry called out, but now with embarrassment.

_**Yeah, yeah. Well, on with the story. **_

_**So I went to Ollivanders, to see if he had a way to help me. When I went in the store, I didn't see him at first, but it wasn't long before I saw him sliding on one of those ladders of his. I cleared my throat.**_

Ollivander quickly got off the ladder, and went to Harry.

"I'll have to apologize. These new ladders came in today, and I was testing them. Nothing is better for having an impact on customers than sliding into view with a ladder."

"Oh, it's okay. I was wo—"

"Now, mr. Potter. Have you been treating your wand well?" Ollivander snatched the wand out of Harry's pocket and started examining it.

"Now, now mr. Potter, when was the last time you cleaned your wand."

"I, uh…" Harry was at a loss for words. You had to _clean_ them? "I don't really know…"

"I was afraid this would happen. Now, I have just the thing for you. But remember, the wand chooses the wizard, so it is perfectly capable of choosing it's preferred cleaning draught and utensil."

Harry was led to a completely different wing, full of bottles of all colours, and brushes of all sizes.

He wanted to say something, but suddenly, the wand jerked to the right, and came at a halt by one peculiar red bottle.

"Ah, Filthnix, the ultimate cleaning draught for all Phoenix-feather based wands. Curious, curious."

"I don't see the curiousness in this, sir."

"Well, normally, wands made of holly will under all circumstances point to the Holly Wipe section, but your wand doesn't." Harry was now eyeing the man with a disbelieving tinge in his eye, it was all a bit too strange for Harry.

"Ah, uh… ok, sure. I'll have some of this then. But I actually came to ask you if you knew about a way to find out your ancestors."

"Ah, I know of a way, but I don't know if I remember all the details…"

"Okay, this, and a medium-sized brush." Harry and Ollivander went to the counter and Harry paid for his items.

"You can do a genealogy-test in Gringotts."

"And the details?"

"There are no details." Harry cursed under his breath. Why hadn't he seen this earlier.

_**I'm also still wondering about that.**_

Harry went outside, and glared up at the heavens.

"You know, if you had told me that, we would have been able to save the money spent into these cleaning items."

…

_**Damn. But still, on with the story. I went to Gringotts, and took my time entering it.**_

"I love the poem at the door!"

_**Yes. When I finally arrived inside, I asked the first Goblin I saw if I could do the genealogy-test. The goblin redirected me to another goblin, who redirected me to another goblin, who redirected me to another goblin, who redirected me to Griphook.**_

"I was told I could do the genealogy-test here."

_**What?! Not even a thank you?!**_

"Yeah, yeah. Thank you for skipping it, but I have a script, you know!"

Griphook could have sworn that humans were getting stranger by the day.

"Yes, it is certainly possible to do the genealogy-test, if you fulfil the right… conditions."

Griphook held his hand forward expectingly, and Harry slapped it.

"Low Five!"

"Sorry, it seems you've misunderstood. The right conditions."

"Yeah?" Harry asked.

_**Harry, they're Goblins. They like money!**_

"Yeah, so?"

Griphook scowled, and flatly said: "You have to pay three sickles."

"Oh, sure." Harry put four sickles in the goblins hand. The goblin looked a bit confused, but decided to keep silent in his favour.

"Follow me, then." Griphook went in one of his carts, and Harry followed him.

_**After a long trip at breakneck speed full of twists and turns, Griphook and I arrived at the destination.**_

"Didn't we leave there?" Harry pointed at the spot where they just departed.

"No, you must be mistaken."

"No, I'm sure. We left there. Why didn't we just walk?"

"If you must know, riding in a cart pleases me." Griphook grumbled.

"Oh, sorry."

Griphook wiped his nail over a safe, and took a clean roll of parchment out of it. He mumbled some spell, and gave it to Harry.

"You have to put a drop of blood on it." He also gave Harry a small knife. "Use this to make a small cut."

Harry brought the knife to his hand and made a small cut. Blood spurted out. He had just slit his wrist. Griphook quickly looked around.

_**The medical gauze is over there.**_

Griphook seemed a bit startled, but quickly found the gauze, and wound it around Harry's wrist.

"Thank you, strange voice."

_**I lost consciousness because of blood loss, and when I came by, I was in the hospital wing of Hogwarts.**_

"Ah, mr. Potter. It's good that you've woken up. How could you be so stupid as to slit your wrist?" madame Pomfrey cried out.

"Sorry, I haven't had biology since primary school! How was I supposed to know that was gonna happen." Harry answered.

_**Of course, because of my upbringing, I had never seen detective movies or any movies for that matter. So I really hadn't known that would happen.**_

"Oh, all right, as long as you don't do it again. I do have a letter and a note for you. The note is from professor McGonnagal…"

She handed the note to me.

_Mr. Potter,_

_Because of you sneaking out of the Hogwarts grounds without permission from either me or Professor Dumbledore, you hereby have been given detention for two months and 200 points have been taken from Gryffindor. Don't let it happen again._

_Professor McGonnagal, head of Gryffindor._

Harry scowled.

"The letter is from Gringotts, and contains your genealogy-test, as I have been told."

Harry took the letter and opened it.

_Subject: Harchibald James Potter_

_Descended from the lines of Potter, Evans, Elfheimlandsichtstall, Black, Emrys, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Zuyger, Peverell and Hornpeerd._

_From your father (James Potter): Potter, Black, Emrys, Hufflepuff, Zuyger, Hornpeerd, Peverell._

_From your mother (Lily Evans): Evans, Elfheimlandsichtstall, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin._

_You are:_

_67,5 % human, from the lines of Potter, Evans, Black, Emrys, Peverell, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Emrys_

_3,125% Elf, from the line of Elfheimlandsichtstall, and consequently, Evans._

_22,5 % Royal Vampire, from the line of Zuyger, and consequently, Potter_

_5 % Fairy, from the line of Hufflepuff._

_1,875 % Unicorn, from the line of Hornpeerd._

_Abilities:_

_Power level, scale 0-100:__ 500 (Godlike) (brought down to 75 by A. Dumbledore)_

_Affinity for all kinds of magic (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Special Affinity for Defence magic, Transfiguration magic, Charm magic and Potions (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Dragonlord abilities (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Metamorphmagus magic, ultimate level, epic class (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Animagus:__ Armageddon dragon (blocked for reasons concerning the destruction of the world)_

_Familiar:__ Phoenixias, incarnation of Flame (Phoenix God) (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Incarnation of Magic:_

_Incarnation of Magic form (blocked by A. Dumbledore) _

_Incarnation of Magic abilities (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Vampiric Traits:_

_The ability to suck blood (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Vampiric Magic (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Vampiric Healing Factor (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Immortality (kicks in at 25)_

_Vampire Royalty_

_Fairy traits:_

_Fairy magic (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Fairy wings (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Ability to fly (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Unicorn traits:_

_Unicorn Horn (blocked by )_

_Unicorn magic (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Elf Traits:_

_Elf magic (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_Elf Ears (blocked by A. Dumbledore)_

_**While I knew there was still a long list of Titles, Possessions and Positions, I didn't get farther than the bottom of the abilities section. It was one fact, and one fact only, which caused my sudden halt in reading the list:**_

"He blocked my Elf Ears?! Outrageous!"

Harry jumped out of his bed, and immediately made his way to Dumbledore's office.

But the way was long and boring, so Harry started talking again.

"Say, why didn't you tell me not to cut in my wrist?"

_**Because then the story would change too much, and I wouldn't be able to tell it anymore. And it's for the sake of that story that I'm going to linebreak it here!**_

* * *

Dumbledore was sitting in his office, pondering if he hadn't gone too far. Yes, he blocked a lot of Harry's abilities, but unlike blocking Harry's more inhuman traits, blocking his power and affinity's didn't sit well with him. So Dumbledore decided to tone down his manipulations a bit, and unblocked Harry's Power level and affinities. With a swipe of his wand, it was done.

_**It was at that time that I flicked my wand to open the door to Dumbledore's office, after guessing the password, 'lemon drops', right.**_

The incident in which the Headmaster's office was blown off Hogwarts was to be remembered until the end of time. The incident was caused by Harry Potter, who didn't know his own power when his power block was removed.

_**I couldn't believe what happened, but at that time, the Elf Ears were more important, so I quickly went down to confront Dumbledore with my findings. **_

"Dumbledore! How could you!" Dumbledore lifted his head

"N-now, Harry… Per—"

"I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED ELF EARS! Since I was a kid, I dreamed about it, and now I find out that I always had them!"

Dumbledore's words started to slur because of the circumstances.

"Harry, not now, please…"

"Why can't you just listen for once?! Tell me why you did it! WHY!" Harry looked at the ground. Was the grass always this red?

"I would like to, but…" Dumbledore's head fell to the ground.

"You see?! Even now you don't listen! No, you're just lying there, bleeding, and…" Harry's eyes went big. Dumbledore had just fainted. He hadn't even realized that some of the students were already trying to remove him from under the rubble. He quickly cast a Flipendo, which launched the rubble away as if it was shot by a cannon.

(Unfortunately it hit another student a little bit further away.)

_**We quickly brought Dumbledore to the hospital wing, were madame Pomfrey asked us what happened, after laying him down on a bed. We quickly told her what happened.**_

Madame Pomfrey was looking at Harry in shock.

"You mean you _blew Dumbledore's office off the school_?"

"I think so, yes." Harry said cautiously, withering under the glare of Madame Pomfrey.

"_How?_"

"Uh, I don't know?" Harry shrinked down just a little further.

"You are in so much trouble, young man!"

"I-I'm sure we can… solve t-that later, Poppy…" Dumbledore wheezed. "Now, could… you please…"

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I will patch you up at once." She waved her wand, and Dumbledore visibly relaxed.

"Much better, thank you. Now, Harry, where were we?"

"The _ears_, professor!"

"Oh, yes, how silly of me. Now, Harry, listen well…"

Harry was looking at Dumbledore intensely.

"I blocked the ears for your own good."

"WHAT! NO! That's not fair!"

"But Harry, you saw what happened earlier, didn't you?"

"But I want them!"

"But what would the Ministry say? What would the wizarding populace say?"

"I don't care. Unblock them."

"No."

"Okay, then I'll do it myself!"

_**Nononono Harry, don't! Wait, Harry, this won't end well, just don't…**_

But Harry waved his wand, and the blocks vanished, for they were placed by Albus Dumbledore, who had only a measly 200 (Epic) as power level.

The first thing that happened was that Harry's wand exploded, as it was unable to channel that much magic.

Directly after that, Harry was enveloped in a white glow and he elevated a few inches from the ground.

A horn grew out of his forehead. It was bright, magnificent, and a shade of very light yellow.

His hair turned silver, he canines sharpened, he grew little wings (fairy-like) and his ears grew long. Suddenly, a wave of power burst out, and the hospital wing exploded. Dumbledore, who had just been healed, was struck on the leg by falling rubble. Luckily, the rest managed not to get hit. Then, his glow became less, and he descended back on the ground.

"Mr. Potter…" Madame Pomfrey began, full of anger. But then she saw his beautiful green eyes, and she swooned.

"Yes?"

"Come here, you handsome!" Madame Pomfrey hugged him, not caring about being impaled by the horn. Harry was almost smothered to death, but eventually managed to get free.

He narrowly evaded madame Pomfrey as she threw herself to him, bleeding and all.

"Uh, a little help here?"

_**No. I warned you! But you did it anyway, so figure this out yourself!**_

Harry quickly escaped the hospital wing.

_**At least take a wand!**_

"Oh, sorry." He ran back and went to Dumbledore, taking his wand.

"Have to borrow this for a bit, I'll bring it back later."

"Harry…" Dumbledore flinched from the pain in his leg. But Harry was already back outside.

_**So I ran through Hogwarts, figuring out what to do next, evading girls and the occasional boy throwing themselves at me, when I bumped into Luna.**_

Harry looked at Luna warily. Luna didn't seem like one to throw herself to him, but still, the possibility existed.

"Er, hi, Luna!"

Luna chuckled. "Hello, Harry Potter."

"Can you help me get rid of them?" Harry pointed behind him, at the mob of fans closing in behind them.

"Oh yes I can." Harry suddenly got a real bad feeling, but he bore with it. Luna dragged him with her to the dungeons.

"We'll be alone here." Luna blushed. She felt her inner fairy resonate with Harry's.

"How long have you been part of the fair folk?"

"Since uh, always I suppose. What do you think of my ears?"

"Charming." She smiled in the way that would make people call her Loony Lovegood.

"Do you know why … Uh, Luna, you're staring."

"Oh, uh, sorry."

"Do you know why everyone is acting so weird?"

"It's fairy magic, Harry Potter. You are able to turn it off."

Harry sighed in relief. That was certainly good news. Then, he realized something. "Uh, Luna? How?"

Luna opened her mouth, but before she could say anything, a bat emerged from the darkness of the dungeons. Then it was enveloped in black smoke, and a certain potions professor strode out.

"I have been sent here to court you, honourable vampire lord." He gritted, staying in character. But inside he was giddy at the chance.

Harry rubbed his eyes once, then twice, and ran away.

"Harry!" The two remaining called out.

_**So I ran to the courtyard, to escape my suitors.**_

Harry slowed down, and panted. He had enough.

"I'm sorry! You were right!"

_**Of course! I'm the storyteller, after all. But you might want to look above you.**_

"Why, what… NO!" But before he could scramble away, he was crushed in a dragon hug by Norberta, the dragon. Within several minutes, a mob of girls had formed.

Snape and Luna, joined by Hermione and an unicorn called Hornicorn, found him in this state.

"Okay, okay!" Harry called out to them. "You win, now please help me!"

_**Luna, Snape, Hermione and Hornicorn helped me out, and for several weeks afterwards, I learned to control my newfound powers, which I could do in that little time because of my unexplained extraordinary ability for controlling my powers. (Sadly, the advances of Snape, Hornicorn and Norberta didn't stop after I gained control over my fairy magic.) Sirius joined us during the second week. I also spent many, many content days playing with my elf ears, which, like my horn, I found out to be retractable. I found out that I owned Hogwarts and the rest of the wizarding world, and half of England. So one day, I decided to weed out the ministry.**_

Harry apparated into the ministry with his 'gang', getting a few shocking glances.

"It's Harry Potter!"

"IT'S SIRIUS BLACK!" One screeched. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Why is there a dragon?" One of them pointed out the dragon, who was destroying the ceiling.

"Those _ears_! Don't tell me…" The wizard who said that suddenly got an unfortunate coughing fit, and the slug population in the ministry went up. Nobody could trace this back to Harry, of course, but nobody messes with the ears.

"Hello! I've come to see the state of affairs!"

"How do you mean, the state of affairs." The woman behind the info desk said.

"The state of affairs of the ministry, of course."

"Do you have the right clearance?"

"I'm the owner of the ministry."

"That's impossible. You can't _own_ a ministry."

"Really? That's too bad then."

_**Luckily for me, Luna was there too.**_

Luna was staring into space, pondering about the meaning of life.

_**Luna!**_

Luna didn't respond.

_**Hermione then. Could you do it, please?**_

Hermione shrugged and showed her the legal papers. "Yes, he really owns the ministry."

She showed her the legal papers. The official couldn't do anything but splutter.

"Come guys!" Harry said cheerfully.

_**And that's how my ministry tour began.**_

"I want a pool here, and a ping pong table over there, and maybe even a gigantic painting of elf ears over there." Harry pointed to the wall in question.

"…of elf ears over there. All copied down." Hermione notified him.

"But, but, where are the desks and the workspaces going to be?" Cried the official woman from behind the info desk, who decided to come along to guide them.

"Why would there have to be workspaces then?" Said the boy who didn't have too much experience in the ways of the outside world because of his schooling and abusive guardians.

"Because there is work to be done. What did you think we all did in the ministry?"

"Uh… Fooling around, taking bribes and taking innocent people before the court?"

"What?! Bribes?! Innocent people for the court?!"

"He can't help it, madam, he has just never seen more of the ministry." Luna said dreamily.

Meanwhile, Harry had gone back to redesigning the ministry.

_**A while later I got my hands on the dress code. The idea I had for it was simply marvellous.**_

"Every employee is required to wear this hat from now on!" Harry said, while holding up a ridiculous pointy wizard hat with stars on it. He didn't like the ministry much after putting him on trial for the dementor attack, and this was his payback. Next to him, Sirius gave him a thumbs-up.

"Noted." Hermione said.

"Here's yours!" Harry said happily to the info desk official. He gave her a horrid pink one. The stars were green. The official grimaced while taking it.

"Thank you…?"

"Okay." Harry summoned a sandwich out of thin air. The eyes of the ministry official turned big, but the others didn't give it much thought.

"That's impossible!"

"Not for me it isn't!"

Of course it wasn't impossible for Harry, because the man who made those five particular laws only had a measly 150 (Powerful) for power level, and 500 beat 150. Now he thought about it, Dumbledore had done it too! Lemon drops, of course. And now he thought about that, he still hadn't given Dumbledore his wand back. Ah, well.

"So, now we're finished-"

_**Harry, you didn't do Fudge.**_

"Oh, okay. Let's go to Fudge."

_**Do you see it coming? Yeah? LINE BREAK!**_

* * *

Fudge was sitting in his office, not doing his work, as usual, drinking tea with Dolores Umbridge. Suddenly, a foreboding fear overcame him, as he reached for his cup. But when he took a sip of his drink, he calmed again, surely nothing could harm him, for he was the minister of magic, Cornelius Fudge.

Of course, that thought was ended when a unicorn mowed his door down and stormed into the office. Umbridge panicked at the sound of hooves, she never really got over that trauma, jumped up, and started to shriek.

"GET IT OUT OF HERE! KILL IT! NASTY ANIMAL!"

She started to reach for her wand, but before she could do anything, a certain Harry Potter and his group came into the office. Fudge was surprised: There was even a ministry official.

"I have an appointment with minister Fudge." Harry said. "But I could come at a later time, seeing that you're busy."

Fudge grimaced, he was indeed busy. Umbridge had gone catatonic, and the unicorn didn't help. Filthy beast.

Harry, on the other hand, had a great time. Now if only he had a blood quill…

He signalled Sirius, who instantly transformed to his human form. Harry himself let his ears show and began twitching them. Umbridge went completely mad.

"BEASTS! SIRIUS BLACK! HALF-BREEDS!" She took out her wand, but found that she couldn't lift it, for the unicorn was munching on it. She screeched, and everyone in the room had to cover their ears.

"I would swear she was part banshee or something…" Sirius gritted.

Somehow unaffected, Luna answered: "She is actually part swamp spirit."

Umbridge looked at her in disbelief. "How… How did you know!"

"Is this true, Dolores?" Fudge asked her in complete disbelief. It couldn't have been that he, Minister Cornelius Fudge, had appointed a filthy half-breed an important job. Or was it true?

Luna blinked. Of course it was true, was he really that stupid that he didn't notice? Ah, well, he was half dwarf himself after all…

The others were a bit disturbed at the creepy, knowing smile Luna showed. She suddenly flicked her wand and magicked a beard and pointy had on Fudge.

Umbridge couldn't take it anymore, and started to shriek louder. Horicorn couldn't take it anymore either, and ran her through with his horn just to make it stop. Umbridge stood there for a moment, puzzled, but somehow thought the answer to fling herself out of the window, crushing the glass in process, with the fearsome cry of "BLOODY HALF-BREEEEEEEEEDS!"

"Hypocrite." Snape muttered, and Hornicorn snorted. She was obviously blind in his mind, because how in the world could he, a pure unicorn, be a halfbreed? She was definitely stupid.

"Now, Minister, we have business." Harry said, continuing his plans.

"What kind of business would I be able to discuss with half-breeds?" Fudge said, and Sirius growled at him."

"Well, we just want to tell you that you aren't minister anymore, I am." Fudge nearly passed out.

"Preposterous! You can't do something like this! You haven't done a thing for this ministry!"

"Like bribing you? Sure." Harry tossed a sack of gold against Fudge's head, who passed out from the impact.

"And from now on, everyone that is discovered to take bribes will have the same punishment." Harry said posing over Fudge like some kind of hero. "So mote it be!" Hermione was quickly writing that down.

Right then, Amelia Bones came in. Having heard good things about her, Harry approached her.

"From now on, you'll be minister of magic."

"Wha—Who? How?" Amelia stammered.

"And you…" Harry pointed to the info desk official "… will be the vice-minister."

"Why?" She asked."

"Because being minister is way too boring for me. You'll do it better." And with that, Harry gathered his group, sans the info-desk official, and quickly exited the building, giving everyone that passed the new official ministry pointy wizard hat, leaving Amelia and her new vice-minister alone to recover.

_**A few days passed, until one day, I walked out of Gringotts. I had just found out that I owned the concept of money, so I was quite pleased. Suddenly, I saw Tom Marvolo Riddle, better known as Voldemort, going into Knockturn Alley, people running away from him to all directions. He laughed maniacally, and shot a few Avada Kedavra's. For some reason, they all missed. I decided to follow him, for I wanted that prophecy to be over.**_

_**He went in a shop called **_**Dark 'n Darker, for all your Dark Lord Necessities (since the Dark Ages). **_**Curious as to what kind of things they would sell there, I took my mantle (you know, the invisible one), and followed him inside. Inside, Voldemort was reading some magazine called **_**The Trends of a Dark Lord**_**. **_

Voldemort walked over to the counter, unnerving the clerk immensely.

"I want the cloak, the headdress, and the bowler hat."

"C-certainly sir. Do y-you also wish the limited e-edition dragon gloves with that."

"Yes, seems like a good addition. And also the medium rare steak boots."

"I-it's done, sir, thanks for your p-purchase, t-that will b-be t-twenty…thr-ree G-galleons a-and s-sev-ven s-sickles…"

"Certainly, good sir." Voldemort handed the money over, and prepared to leave.

Suddenly he turned around. "_Avada Kedavra_!" He quickly went back and took his money. He cackled loudly. "Lord Voldemort doesn't pay, you puny mortal!"

He then took a sack and raided the store.

_**Typical…**_

Just then, a man appeared behind the counter.

"Ugh, another killed? I wish they would last longer than… HEY! WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S UNSHAVEN BEARD-SOCK ARE YOU DOING?!"

Voldemort cackled like a mad-man as he fired three Killing Curses at the man. The man dodged them, but by that time, Voldemort had already left the building.

Harry followed Voldemort as he regally walked into a back-alley, the illusion of a lord only tarnished by the random underwear sticking out of his sack. There, he stayed still. He felt a presence, a presence he dreamed feeling since the day the boy had first thwarted him and his genius plan.

"Harry… Potter." He said with some dark lord Flair (patented by G. Grindelwald). Harry took off his mantle, and stuffed it into his inter-dimensional robe fold. "How I've waited for this day…"

_**There it comes, Harry, brace yourself.**_

"I know, I know, the rant." Harry answered the voice.

Voldemort's eyes bulged out. "How dare you accuse me of ranting! Since that day where I killed your parents, I haven't ranted at all!"

"Not true, you ranted two years ago, at the graveyard. And besides, for half of that time, you were almost dead." Harry told him honestly.

Voldemort wanted to strangle the boy, wanted to strangle him so bad… But he was Lord Voldemort, and he couldn't give in to these needs.

"Doesn't matter. Now, before I eradicate you, I would like to offer you the chance to join me. We would make a wonderful pair, in more than one perspective… Think of the things we could do, to the world, and to each other…"

_**That's even more disgusting then when I heard it the first time! Let's get this over with, Harry!**_

But the comment had hit home. Harry was in a fetal position, hugging himself while trying to banish the horrors of that statement to the dark crevices of his mind, all the while doubting his control of fairy magic.

_**Ah, damn. Seems that I have to solve this.**_

Suddenly a giant phoenix appeared, incinerating Voldemort. After that, the fire-bird went to Harry, and began to wail, drenching Harry in tears.

Harry blinked once, then twice, and stood up. "Works better than a pepper-up potion. Isn't that Phoenixias? I thought only I could summon him."

_**I am you, you idiot.**_

"O yeah. Well thank you, then."

Suddenly, Voldemort crawled out of the raging fires, and cackled (at least tried to, after he got a coughing fit).

"You won't beat me so easily! I have made six horcruxes! Even if you kill me, I won't be dead! And I will be coming for you!"

Harry shivered.

_**Harry! Keep the wand, the cape and the ring in the air!**_

"What ring?" Harry asked, puzzled. The great phoenix sighed, and flew away.

"Hah! Now even your strongest ally has left you!"

"Not true, I could just summon him back."

_**Harry, just for once, listen, and don't do it.**_

"Okay, okay. Then I will transform in my animagi form.

_**Wasn't that blocked?**_

"Hello, level 500 here!"

_**Oh, okay, but still, don't. You'll destroy the world.**_

"Dammit. Why can't I just get on with it."

Meanwhile, Voldemort was getting a bit puzzled, and also scared. Level 500?! He only had 199! He thought only Dumbledore was more powerful! And was Potter fully sane, to be talking to air that much?

But he was VOLDEMORT! Save Dumbledore, there was no man stronger than he was, certainly not that stupid brat. It must have been 50, instead of 500. Fifty was only average.

And no matter how high Potter's Power Level was, Potter was busy, and he, Lord Voldemort, was an opportunist.

"_Avada…_" He bombastically pronounced one of the two words that had dominated his life, while Potter was occupied with talking to thin air, and proceeded with the second. "_Ke-_"

A beautiful song filled the air before Voldemort could finish the word. Next thing he knew, he was doused in a flame torrent again, and violently thrust against the wall behind him by the flames.

"Oh, _that_ ring! Thanks Phoenixias!" Harry took the ring from the majestic firebird.

(Dumbledore had just been entering his office when the bird had destroyed it, _again_, because of the sheer size of the bird, only to take that blasted, cursed ring. Dumbledore was badly hurt, and would spend one third of the remainder of that year just to get over the trauma.)

_**Now Harry! Hold them above your head!**_

Harry held them above his head, and a dark portal opened up. Out of the portal came a man wrapped in a dark cloak with a scythe.

"YES! FINALLY! Some ACTION!" The man looked around, and saw Harry. "It was you, wasn't it?! Well, tell me your name, Master."

"Harry, Harry Potter."

_**And Harry Potter over here too.**_

"Potter, eh? That means you're Magic, doesn't it? Boy, I wouldn't like to be you, with all the paperwork you'll still have to do… But I'll tell you later, after you two Harry's finished the story. I'm Death." The man shook Harry's hand, and looked at his Hallows. His eyes fell on the ring, and they darkened. "Give me the ring, please."

"Sure." Harry gave him the ring, and Death blasted it. The ring remained, but some dark mist went out of it, and screeched while Death destroyed it.

(When Dumbledore woke up the following morning, he noted that his hand wasn't black anymore. He would ponder a many good days about how that was possible, and when he couldn't take it anymore, he would lay it to rest in his mind.)

Voldemort chose that moment to crawl out of the smoke, and saw death destroying his Horcrux. His worst nightmare had just become reality. Death had come for him.

"No, not really, I'm here because Harry summoned me. But now you're here anyway…"

_**Voldemort's screams were heard throughout all of Diagon alley as Death dealt with Voldemort and all his Horcruxes, of course starting with carefully extracting the one in my head. I flinched several times, but let Death do as he wished. Voldemort had been a major pain in the ass for him. It became clear for me that Death had a major sadistic streak, even though he could suppress it most of the time, so I'll leave the battle… well, beating, to your, the reader's, imagination.**_

"_**What? Why?"**_

_**Death, will you be quiet until I finish the story? You promised.**_

"_**Okay…"**_

"What? Death is there too?"

_**Yes, Harry… Now, on with the story.**_

_**When that was over, and Voldemort was crying in fetal position, Death and I parted ways, to meet up later, so he could introduce me into the ways of being Magic. He told me that after that, he would let me meet Fate. I, a little bit pale from the things that just happened, agreed. Death took Voldemort, and disappeared in a black portal. I almost felt sorry for Tom, almost.**_

_**Some time later, in the evening, Sirius and I were in Diagon Alley, searching for something to celebrate his newly gained freedom (courtesy of Amelia Bones). The news of me defeating Voldemort hadn't spread yet, for there was no proof I had already done it. But I didn't care much about that.**_

"Correction! You don't, but I do! I finally did what the wizarding world asked of me, and I don't even get recognition!"

_**Come now, Harry, I know they will give it to you soon. Enjoy your anonymity while you still can.**_

"Isn't that SIRIUS BLACK?!" One random woman screeched.

"HEY! I'M INNOCENT!" Sirius shouted right back.

"Really? Oh, then it's all right." The woman was suddenly a lot calmer. Sirius didn't really know what to make of it.

"Oh, okay."

"Like HELL I would believe THAT! SIRIUS BLAAAACK! HEEEELP! HE'S KIDNAPPED HARRY POTTEEEEER! HE'S GOING TO TURN HIM IN TO YOU-KNOW-WHOOOOO! HE'S GOING TO CURSE HIM WITH THOSE ELF EARS FOREVEEEER! " The woman screeched again.

"WHAT?!" Both Harry and Sirius shouted.

"I didn't kidnap him!"

"Those elf ears are completely natural!"

"Really, Harry, there are more important things, you know."

"No there are not!"

"Sure, whatever."

"Besides," Harry turned his attention to the quickly forming mob, "Voldemort is dead!"

_**Oh, Harry, when will you learn… Linebreak!**_

* * *

Luna was eating ice-cream when she saw the approaching mob.

"_You-Know-Who is dead_

_He got it into his head_

_He challenged Harry Potter_

_And coloured the pavement red."_

On the mob was Harry Potter, bound and well, with Sirius, unbound, next to him.

"Hey Luna!" Sirius waved to her. Luna waved right back.

"Wanna join?" Sirius asked her.

"Sure." Luna agreed.

Within no time Luna was also carried by the mob.

"Why is he bound?" She asked Sirius, seeing the bound Harry.

"Well, he tried to fly off. The mob wouldn't have that, and bound him, so they could party with him properly."

"Ah, figures." Luna looked over at Harry, who was rapidly developing ochlophobia, the fear for crowds.

"Luna, could you please get me away from here?" He begged, desperate.

Luna smiled. "I could." But she made no move to help him escape. Suddenly the mob stopped. Something was happening in front.

_**Luna, Sirius and I made our way to the front, only to see a second mob blocking the first mob. The people in the second mob all had pointed ears.**_

"We have come for Harry Potter! Our new king!" the man in front of the mob proclaimed.

"How can he be your king! He already is our saviour!" A witch answered.

"The Magic Paper has spoken! Harry J. Potter is our king, and he is immediately needed to prepare for the crowning."

"Preposterous!" A third mob had appeared. "He's already royalty in our ranks!" The mob was led by Snape. At the same time, a fourth mob apparated in.

"No! He has beaten our Dark Lord! He is, by the Dark Laws, our new Dark Lord!" One death-eater in the fourth mob shouted.

"You have laws?" The witch from the first mob asked, surprised.

"Yes, we do."

"Nevertheless, you will never catch him!" The witch from the first mob called out, and the first mob ran away. The vampire mob turned into bats and followed, while the elves and Death-eater just ran after them.

"I'm not sure whether I like this anymore…" Sirius whispered to Harry, who was desperately trying to get out of his bounds. The ropes were spelled against magic, so that was not an option.

Sirius and Luna tried to undo the binds, but on a moving mob that was harder then it seemed.

Suddenly cries were heard from the front of the mob. They had run into a fifth mob, a crowd of unicorns, led by Hornicorn. They were trampling the front of the mob to get to Harry. However, they were unsuccessful, for the Vampire mob made use of this moment to kidnap Harry, Luna and Sirius by means of flying, only to be unsuccessful as well, for the Death-eaters attacked the Vampires. The vampires let go of the trio, and they got caught by the elves, who quickly tried to get away, only to be stopped by a sixth mob, a mob of fairies.

The wizards were valiantly fighting back at the unicorns, and slowly gained the upper hand. The vampires started to attack the elves from behind, and the Death-eaters were still attacking the vampires. The elves tried to escape, but were cornered from all sides. Harry and Sirius lost track of Luna, who was kidnapped by the fairies, which shouldn't be so surprising.

Sirius was now trying to unbind Harry, but had some difficulty to decipher the spells used on the bindings. He was never the one for diagnostic spells. Before he could start on undoing the ropes, Harry was kidnapped by the wizarding mob.

The wizarding mob tried to apparate away, but some smart elves had set some anti-apparition wards in place. Harry made use of the confusion that caused, to unbind the ropes himself with magic.

"STOP!"

Everyone stopped fighting, and looked at Harry.

"I will go with the elves!"

The elves cheered in victory while the rest couldn't believe what they heard.

"Why? The witch from earlier asked. "What is so good about elves?"

The elves looked outraged, but before they could curse the witch with several nasty curses in their arsenal, Harry gave her the reason.

"They have _elf ears_! Nothing is cooler than _elf ears_!"

The elves didn't really know whether this was a victory or an embarrassment, but they took Harry anyway.

_**They transported me to their Capital, and prepared me to be crowned. After multiple tasks and rituals, which I completed with a little help from Hermione, Luna and Sirius, and one duel with the king's bastardson (which I won spectacularly within the blink of an eye, of course), I was crowned. Which brings me to the end of the awesome story about how elf ears can change someone's life.**_

"I totally agree!"

_**"You know, after such a story, I would have expected a deeper meaning."**_

_**Shut up, Death, you promised.**_

Harry was sitting on his throne, a little bit bored, playing exploding snap with Hermione, Sirius and Luna. He was winning, at least until the appearance of Death, which startled him and made all his cards explode.

"Ha! You lose!" Sirius laughed.

"Dammit, Death, couldn't you come a little bit later?"

"I could. But you still have to tell me the story about your elf ears, because otherwise, this won't have happened. I also still have to laugh at you when you discover how much paperwork you've still got to do." Death and Harry went to another room.

"_**That's right, I still got to do that! Is the story almost over?"**_

_**Don't remind me, and yes, it's almost over.**_

"Okay, okay, but promise me you will be silent." Harry told Death.

"I will." He answered.

_**He won't.**_

"I know, but otherwise things don't add up." Harry told nobody in particular.

_**I know.**_

"Well, this is goodbye then…" He said to thin air.

_**Don't get sentimental. I'm you, you know.**_

"I know." Harry started his story to Death.

"It all started _in the headquarters of __Elf-United (or 11Un, or whatever)…_

* * *

Harry was lying in his comfortable bed in the Gryffindor tower. For some reason, this dream involved elves and a narrating voice.

_It all started in the headquarters of Elf-United (or 11Un, or whatever), the leading party of the current Council, the secret Government of Magical Creatures. I still don't know how I had been able to see this particular scene, but stranger things happened to me, so I didn't particularly care._

Harry watched his dream unfold. The elves heard about the paper, and the death of the king, and the heir to the throne was…

"_**Hey Harry! Wanna join us for another exploding snap?"**_

_**Sounds fun. You joining too, Death?**_

"_**Sure."**_

_Will you shut up, I'm trying to tell the story here! Besides, how come you're all still here?_

_**Another Harry? Nice! Hey Harry!**_

_Hey Sirius! But now, answer the question!_

_**I don't know really, but hey, I don't mind.**_

Harry grumpily sat up from his bed in the Gryffindor tower.

"Well I do! I'm trying to sleep here! Go away."

_Aw dammit! Look what you've done, now he's awake! What am I going to do now?_

_**We're going, we're going, sorry. Well, bye then!**_

_What?! But you have to help me fix this! I can't manage this with Death only!_

"_Why not?"_

"SHUT UP!" Harry shouted. Harry waited a little bit, then another while, and when he was sure the voice wouldn't come back, he turned over in his bed and dreamed of elf ears.

* * *

_**THE END! Enjoyed it? Well, I enjoyed writing it. If you liked it, push the button below, and review. If you didn't, let me know why (but no useless insults).**_

_**No.311.**_


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